I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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