I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
