stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
