I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
