I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
