I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
