I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
