Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
