Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
