her vagina looked like bernie madoff
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
