she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
