Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
