Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
