I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
