Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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