So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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