i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
