Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
