Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
