someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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