i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
