i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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