you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
