i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
