I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
