I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
