Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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