The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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