i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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