Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
