You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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