do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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