I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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