im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
