I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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