I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
