I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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