No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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