a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
