It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
