My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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