there's paper in my vomit.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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