dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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