I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
