Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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