he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
