she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
