so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
