you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
