he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
