You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I could fuck to npr.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
