are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
