I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dear god my vagina.
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