the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
